"That's So Fetch!", The Bachelor S20 E3 Recap

 Ironically enough, week 3 of The Bachelor begins with two of the women privately discussing something that I mentioned in last week's recap, the cost of styling yourself for a season on the show. Amanda and Lauren B. are captured by a hidden camera talking about Olivia's alleged $40-thousand dollar-wardrobe that she spent for her reality television debut. Olivia comes to The Bachelor from the world of broadcast journalism. I once worked in local news. I can assure you that a small market news anchor, right out of college, is barely earning enough money to stay above the poverty line. Olivia being able to afford 40-grand worth of bedazzled cocktail dresses and neon-colored athletic wear is out of the scope of likelihood. Either Olivia comes from money, is in major credit card debt or has a side gig on the street corner. This conversation only serves to perpetuate my curiosity toward whether or not there really is a full-time stylist on The Bachelor set. There just has to be. And if there is, Olivia must feel pretty stupid for spending her sugar Daddy's own money on clothes.

 Lauren B.- can we now refer to her as simply Lauren since the other Lauren B., "LB", bowed out last week? Yes, we shall. Lauren admits to Amanda that Olivia is the only girl in the house that she hasn't been able to connect with on any level. Amanda says that she sees straight through her and that there is a mean girl within Olivia. 

 This week's solo date card arrives. Flight attendant Lauren is the recipient of the card that reads, "The sky's the limit!" Take a drink for our first pun of the episode. Ben says that Lauren is beautiful but still a mystery to him. 

 The black Mustang is back. Apparently, it wasn't just a one-day rental. Poor Caila, who felt special riding in a convertible with Ben last week, must now watch another girl do the exact same thing- except this time around, the other girl doesn't have the black guys crashing her date. Ben asks Lauren to guess what she thinks their date will entail. "Don't make me bungee jump!" she says. Someone has watched this show before and I like the way she thinks. But alas, Ben takes the flight attendant to a place that she has never been before- the airport. The two will be flying the friendly skies in a biplane. Ben enthusiastically invites Lauren on board, "Join me on my magical carpet ride!" Let's hope it turns out better than this one: 

 The biplane ride turns out to be a fantastic adventure for the couple. Lauren tells Ben that he makes her feel like a little kid again as they admire the Pacific Ocean and do a flyover the mansion. Olivia is poolside and struggling with the idea of her future husband falling in love with someone else literally above her head. It's a good thing that Olivia knows that Ben is on board the plane because if she thought it was just Lauren on one of her Southwest flights, the outcome may have been entirely different. Hide your laser pointers!

 The small plane lands in a secluded field in the middle of nowhere. The two will be spending the day hiking the beautiful rolling hills in a hot tub. I'm not sure if The Bachelor is sponsored by Jacuzzi this season but they sure are hitting their quotas for hot tub scenes. Ben tells Lauren that there is a tree way down yonder and to suit up. Inside the hot tub, Lauren shares with Ben that their plane ride has inspired her to get her pilot's license. 

 Back at the mansion, JoJo and Caila are having a heart-to-heart. Caila is in tears and fears that she is going to fall in love with Ben but only to watch him fall for someone else. Kind of like the way her ex-boyfriend watched her fall in love with Ben when she saw him on television. Karma? "It's hard to have an open heart when you could see it being broken." Tell that to Jane Seymour. Maybe Jane could hook Caila up with one of those butt-shaped necklaces she hawks for Kay Jewelers. 

 During the dinner portion of Ben and Lauren's date, things go very well. Ben is very taken by Lauren. He can't understand how a catch like her is still single. 26? STILL single? I need a drink. Lauren tells Ben that the only reason she's single is because she's very picky. She doesn't have any sort of sob story. Her childhood was perfect and her Dad set a wonderful example. She has high standards and refuses to settle. I can relate. It's what I like to refer to as the reverse stripper tale. When you have a proper upbringing, sometimes it can screw you over just as badly as being raised in a negative environment. 

 At the mansion, the ladies receive their group date card. "Love is the goal!"  The names of the women who will be going: Amanda, Haley, Jennifer, Shushana, Leah, Amber, Lauren H., Olivia, Jami, Rachel, Lace and Emily. 

 Back on the solo date, Ben is opening up to Lauren. He shares with her about his father's heart condition. This is yet another strong indicator that our bachelor is seeing something special in Lauren. Ben also mentions a pastor. I'm pretty sure Ben is more religious than the producers of the show are letting on. It's Sean Lowe 2.0. Lauren has a bit of a Freudian slip and reveals that she wants to meet Ben's family. She immediately realizes what came out of her mouth and how premature it sounded. It's a cute moment. I remember I once said something similar when I was starting to have feelings for a guy. Sometimes when we really like someone, our hearts are ahead of our minds. Words reach our our mouths without a filter. Ben doesn't seem bothered. These two genuinely seem to like each other.

 Ben has one more surprise for Lauren- a private concert with country act Lucy Angel. It's a good thing Caila isn't around to see that yet another part of her special date has been recreated for another woman. I wonder if the show needs a new batch of producers to help plan out the dates. I am available. These one-on-one dates are all too similar. Lauren must not be up-to-speed on Ben and Caila's date because she sees nothing wrong with him pulling the same thing for her. "100 percent. I think I could fall in love with Ben." Ben is feeling hopeful as well. "Tonight feels like how I'd want the first date to be with my wife." 

 The day of the group date arrives. The women will be playing soccer. Again, the producers really need to come up with some fresh ideas. This has been done before.

 Olivia admits that soccer is the one sport that she knows nothing about. Most of America agrees. Soccer is the only thing I have ever quit in my life. I was in Kindergarten and bored out of my mind. I imagine this date will be a similar torture to sit through. 

 Back at the mansion, JoJo and Jubilee are talking about their solo date prospects as neither name has been called this week. Jubliee fears that Ben has a type, "The everything's always good" girl or "the I'm always happy" girl. Jubilee says this isn't her. She's right. The show continuously casts a specific type of girl- appearance, personality... rarely do they break the mold. It's refreshing to see Jubilee stand out as her own individual. Either editing is playing a big part or JoJo offers no supportive insight. JoJo simply nods her head.

 Back on the group date, the women are divided into two teams- the Stars (with the much cuter uniforms) and the Stripes (think Where's Waldo?). Chris Harrison tells the ladies that the winning team will get to spend the evening with Ben but the losers will have to go back to the mansion.

 The twins are placed on separate teams. I still can't tell the two apart. Rachel, who has been this season's mirage, is actually getting some camera time during this portion of the episode. Her teammate, Emily, is giving it her all on the soccer field. As the Stars' team goalie, she dives and makes a big save that prevents the other side from taking a more commanding lead. "Balls flying in your face is never fun." This remark takes me back to my favorite movie, Clueless. I was young and impressionable when I first saw the film back in 1995. It was several years later that I finally realized a blow job isn't when a guy slaps his junk in your face.

 The soccer match goes into sudden death (another phenomenal cinematic masterpiece) overtime. Rachel gets even more screen time when she suffers a possible season-ending injury. The Stripes take the W. This means that Olivia will be spending the night with Ben alone along with her teammates. The losers head back to the mansion where the other ladies are surprised to see them back so soon. They need a refresher course in how this whole group date thing works. 

 During the second portion of the group date, everyone is at a hotel. Not the Four Seasons but something seemingly nice. Olivia is the first to steal Ben away for one-on-one time. Lace says that she's aggressive. True. But you have to hand it to O-Face for going after what she wants. If I liked a guy as much as O is into our bachelor, I'd probably do the same thing. Olivia says that she's not going to sit on the couch all night and sip her water. Um... someone get this girl a drink. That might explain everything. As Chelsea Handler once said, "There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers." 

 Olivia and Ben sneak away to an upper part of the hotel that overlooks where the other women are chatting. To get the ladies' attention, Olivia actually omits a wolf-like howling sound. I suppose when O-Face is under the glow of a full moon, that mouth hangs open and magic happens. 

 Ben isn't impressed by Olivia marking her territory. He takes her into a hotel room for some privacy. Olivia tells Ben that the other women are intimidated by her and that she understands if he can't show her his full attention outright, every week. Olivia is convinced that there is no one else in the running. She needs to scale it back a few notches. Through kisses, she tells Ben that she misses him all of the time. 

 As Olivia and Ben make-out, the other women are doing what women, unfortunately, do best- tear each other down. The women are picking Olivia's physical features apart. Amber and Lace discuss the state of Olivia's feet. One of the twins has her own thoughts on this debate. "People were making fun of her toes. Toes shouldn't be a big deal." I knew I liked the twins. Oh, no. Wait. I spoke too soon. She continues on, "But, um. I think her boobs are fake. But it's okay. Like, you can tell that they're fake. And her breath is horrible. I wonder if they kissed because I'm sure he smells what I smell." 

 In a scene that should be observed in all future womens' studies courses across the country, Jami, who usually acts as an extra on the show, is given a speaking role. Jami reports back to Olivia that the other women were bashing her. Olivia wants to know what was said. The conversation:

 Jami: They were picking apart some of your appearances. Stupid, little...

 Olivia: Let me guess, my calves?

 Jami: No

 Olivia: Cankles?

 Jami: No, tiny, stupid...

 Olivia: Tell me

 Jami: Your toes

 Olivia: My toes?

 Jami: Your toes are like not cute...

 Olivia: They talked about my toes? 

 With a smile of relief flashing across her face, even Olivia realizes how ridiculous this entire situation is becoming. She tells a producer her perspective. "Am I aggressive? Yeah. Do I have bad toes? Yeah. I know I do. I hate my toes." 

 Olivia affirms to Jami that perfection is "so lame!"  Does Olivia believe herself? Doubtful.

 Elsewhere, back at the mansion, JoJo, Becca, Jubilee and Caila await the solo date card. JoJo confidently points out to Jubilee how nervous she looks. Everyone is in for a surprise as Lauren reads the card, "Jubilee, love is in the air." Okay. The producers really need to go. Flight attendant Lauren already had an aviation-themed date just the other day. Can't they come up with something else to make these women feel special? Lauren must have been thinking, "I was just in the air and that love was supposed to be mine!" 

 Jubilee is elated much to the other ladies' bitterness. Becca says that she's happy for Jubes but no one is picking up what she's putting down.

 Back on the group date, Amber is moaning and groaning that she hasn't had any time with Ben. This chick should be lucky that she was even allowed back on the show for another season. I'm not seeing what the producers see in this girl. But then again, I rarely agree with those people and their duplicate dates. If you want alone time, then go in there and get it. Don't sit around and wait for him to come to you (I wish I could take my own advice)! When Amber finally gets private time with the bachelor, Ben tells her how happy he is that she gave the show a second chance. It's a forced conversation and totally a bore.

 The date rose is ultimately awarded to Amber because of contractual obligations.... Olivia says that she can't have everything, every week and that she gets it. O continues on to share that she is reading the nonverbal cues that Ben has sent her way. "He pushed off on my leg when he got off the couch." Call me cut from the same crazy cloth as O-Face but I actually noticed the exact same thing. I minored in communication studies. They say that over 90% of communication is non-verbal. I fully agree. 

 The day of Jubilee's one-on-one date arrives. She's nervous and afraid that she might come off as socially awkward. When Ben arrives, she jokes that he's 20 minutes late. None of the other women in the house seem to possess a sense of humor as the quip is lost on this audience. The sound of a a chopper is heard overhead. Ben doesn't seem like the type to actually be late. It seems as though he was waiting to make his entrance in tandem with the helicopter. Blame it on the pilot. The group files out of the mansion to send Jubes and Ben off but not before J makes one more joke. Because of her intense fear of heights, she asks the other ladies if anyone else wants her date. This does not sit well with the other women. As noted before, none speak the language of sarcasm. 

 Jami, who I want to call Beige because she is as bland as her personality, is having a hissy fit. Naturally beautiful but severely washed out and in need of a lipstick or the swipe of eyeshadow (something), she describes Jubilee's behavior as "awko-taco." I wonder if this term is at all related to an "awful waffle?" 

 As Jubilee and Ben get into the chopper, it's important to note how jealous all of the other women are. Some have even vocalized it in their own words. This is the basis for the rest of the DRAMA that enfolds later during the cocktail party/rose ceremony. Caila thinks that Jubilee doesn't appreciate the gift that is a solo date. She actually feels bad for Ben that he has to spend a romantic day with Jubilee (um, he chose her, sweetheart). Caila continues that she would be shocked if Jubilee gets a rose and returns back to the mansion. I guess all is not rainbows and butterflies in her world, after all. Jami says that Jubilee's attitude toward everything is "like offensive." I can't even with these chicks.

 The helicopter lands at a fancy health spa. A spread of gourmet food and delicacies is laid out for the couple. Jubilee says that she's never had caviar before. As she tries it, she spits it out. She hates it. Ben asks what types of food she does like. Jubes tells Ben that she's really into hot dogs and coyly sticks her tongue out. Either Ben is slow on the uptake or has no sense of humor like the other women. The joke flies right over his head like that biplane did to Olivia. "I like hot dogs, too." Face. Palm.

 The two spend the day in the pool. This sounds familiar huh? Small plane & hot tub vs helicopter & pool. These producers suck. As Ben and Jubilee get to know each other, Jubilee admits that she has a hard time with other women liking her (that makes two of us, girl). Ben is genuinely interested in getting to know her more as they joke, swim and share a kiss or two.

 The pool day turns into a predictable evening dinner but the conversation gets deep as Jubilee shares her turbulent past. She talks about how all of her family in Haiti were killed before she was adopted. She mentions survivor's guilt. At this point, Ben offers Jubilee the date rose. It might seem like a pity flower but I see things a bit differently. Ben appreciates Jubilee's complexity and I think he truly likes her. 

 The next morning, Beige Jami takes it upon herself to alert the presses that Jubilee has returned to the mansion. Are these women so delusional in their own jealousy that they can't see that their bachelor is into Jubilee? More than he is into most of them, in fact. The women appear to be in a state of shock. 

 Lauren H. is on the lanai being stroked for comfort by some of the other haters women. "It's insane to me... literally insane!" Midwestern Lauren whines in that grating accent. "Your spouse should be able to get along with other people." How about a spouse that acts like an adult and doesn't sit around gossiping about other women. How about a spouse that is inclusive and doesn't make it impossible for said other person to be friends with them. "Jubilee is pulling back from the group." Really? From what I've observed, it's your clique of I won't type that word Mean Girls that are doing the pushing. "I know that Ben wants to have a wife that will be friends with all the other soccer Moms- to set up play dates with their kids. I just don't see it long term." 

 I think what Lauren H. is trying to say here is quite evident. "Ben wants a wife that is blonde and white, with no depth or sense of humor like all of the other soccer Moms." Lauren H. is representative of everything that is wrong with women society.

 The cocktail party has come and I, for one, am in need of an adult beverage. Ben shares with the women that two of his family friends back home were tragically killed in a plane crash. Ever one to take charge, Olivia, in her nasally news anchor voice asks to grab him. One of the twins hopes that Olivia will offer her condolences but isn't holding her breath as O-Face is a real "piece of work."

 What happens next is a gift from above. Just when you think that maybe Olivia has some redeeming qualities and is secretly a sweetheart, this is what she chooses to talk about with the grieving Ben: 

  "So, you know, everyone has things on their bodies they wish they could change. And my like waist down, I hate my legs. I hate them. Like, people have written blogs that I have cankles. And (takes a deep breath, holds back tears), I'm trying to be strong all the time, but um, it's the scariest thing ever." 

 Ben, pondering death, is met with deeper thoughts. Who knew? All along, in this thing we call life, cankles are the scariest things ever. I can only hope that Olivia didn't actually lead with this topic of conversation and that she is simply the victim of editing. But I don't know with this one.

 Fortunately, Amanda offers some words of comfort that only a mother person with a warm, beating heart can provide.

 Beige Jami says that she feels stupid for worrying about petty things like toes. People have died. It really makes you think. This reminds me of "The Misery Chick" episode of Daria. "People aren't upset that Tommy Sherman died. People are upset that they're going to die." 

 Jubilee, one of the few human beings in the group, is thinking of a nice way to make Ben feel better. As she enters the mansion kitchen and greets the other women (JoJo included). Becca makes it a point to be a bitch and walk away in search of "some lip gloss or something." Isn't Becca supposed to be a good, sweet, virginal Christian girl? 

 Let's keep in mind that it was precisely JoJo and Becca whom Ben passed over in order to take Jubilee out for the solo date. Jealousy, ladies and gentleman. It's an ugly thing. 

 Jubilee not only has a sense of humor but proves that she knows how to take care of her man. She offers Ben a private massage to alleviate some of his stress. Get it, girl! Ben is highly appreciative of the gesture as massages are his favorite thing. 

 JoJo and Becca are told by producers to scope out the scene. The two are not pleased. "I'm going to lose my mind!" says JoJo. "She's like rubbing his body! Why am I seeing this?" If I'm not mistaken, the girl works as an assistant to a chiropractor. This isn't exactly uncharted territory for Becca.

 As Lace and the other plastics hear about the rub down, tempers begin to flare. "She doesn't need more time! She already has a rose," says Lace. These women just don't get the name of the game. 

 Beige Jami decides to break up the massage just before it has time to reach a happy ending. The awko-taco award is now bestowed back to you, lady. This is probably the worst-timed move I've ever seen on the show. Not exactly something you want to do to a guy in order to win him over. A red rose in exchange for blue balls? Not in this universe. 

 Leah tries to get Jubilee to give her some info on the massage. Jubilee simply says that Ben likes massages, so she had the forethought to provide her services. Leah feigns acceptance, "That's cool. Was it like a quick 1-2-3?" No, Leah. It was not a quickie. It was long and slow. 

 Amber, feeling overly confident from the random rose she got on the group date, decides to get more attention and subsequent screen time. Amber attempts to create drama out of her jealousy over the Jubilee situation. Amber's attempt to engage Jubilee in a gang-up intervention is embarrassingly pathetic. Jubilee is a grown ass woman and wants no parts of her immaturity. "I don't know what you guys are doing but it ain't cute!"

  JoJo follows Jubilee upstairs. Poor Jubilee can't get away from the plastics. "It's me. It's okay." Pretty sure you're one of the last people that is on the o-k cleared list, JoJo. What a bold move to attempt to manipulate someone who is clearly far more intelligent. Jubilee is having none of this. "Leave me the fuck alone!" Exactly.

 The other women who are downstairs are complaining that Ben went to break the situation up which means Jubilee will get more time with him. One of the twins points out that he shouldn't have to be dealing with this drama. Well, then perhaps the women in the house shouldn't have orchestrated it. Amber is mad at the "stupid situation" because she already has a rose and should be happy. Maybe she shouldn't have self-destructed and caused her own misery out of jealousy. It tends to blow up in your face, doesn't it? These women have no idea how idiotic they are coming across to America.

 Amber decides to interrupt Ben's consolation of Jubilee. She thinks that this will make her look like a peacekeeper in front of Ben but our bachelor is wiser than he lets on. It's obvious that the woman in tears (Jubilee) is the victim in the situation. The manipulation ain't happening with Ben. He knows what's up. I wish that he would retract Amber's rose and give it to anyone else. Ben puts Amber in her place by telling her that he likes Jubilee's sense of humor and it's too bad that the other women in the house don't understand her jokes. It's written all over Amber's face that this week will likely be her last. Please let this week be her last.

 Just when Ben thinks the drama is over, Lace pulls him aside. Much to his relief (and Bachelor Nation's dismay), Lace has decided to go home because she didn't want to be dumped on national television. Through tears, she tells Ben that she has a lot of work to do on herself and "like her tattoo says" she has to learn to love herself before she can love anyone else. Yes, she really admitted to having that tattooed on her body. Someone must have read one too many misattributed Marilyn Monroe quotes on Pinterest. 

  In the end, Ben delivers roses to the following women: Lauren H. (Midwestern teacher), Amanda (the Mom), Becca (virginal bitch), Haley (twin), Emily (twin), Rachel (injured reserve), Caila (sweet and salty), JoJo (manipulative bitch), Jennifer (the sexy one who kisses Ben and stays out of the drama), Leah (part of the plastics but yet to be defined) and lastly, Olivia. 

 It was jarring for O-Face to go from getting roses before the ceremonies even begin to being the last woman called. A sane person might question their moves- Was I wrong to mention my cankles immediately after he told me his friends died? But not our Olivia. "I know when I'm with him, I'm with my future husband. He just saved the best for last!" 

 If Olivia doesn't marry Ben, whomever does is going to have a blast replaying that snippet many years down the road. "Ben, honey, remember that crazy chick who was convinced you were going to marry her after dating for 2 hours?" 

 If Olivia does marry Ben (doubtful at this point but who the hell knows), then maybe she's a mad genius. And those are actually my favorite types of people.

 And this week's rejects: Shushanna (the illegal alien) & Jami (the beige blue-baller).

 Next week, the group leaves the mansion for Las Vegas! Stay tuned for bachelorette show girls having anxiety attacks (spoiler alert: it's O-Face!), virgins taking on Sin City and so much more! 

"Toasted", The Bachelor S20 E2 Recap

 Week 2 of The Bachelor begins with the ladies making a toast. "Cheers to Ben and the adventure of a lifetime," Leah, the football snapping event planner, declares with her mimosa in hand. Making a toast is something that this particular group of women have no problem with. They salute to seemingly everything. Take a drink for every toast that happens in this episode. You won't remain sober for long.

 Olivia, still basking in the glow of the first impression rose, wastes no time in expressing her premature adoration for the bachelor. "I want Ben Higgins to be my husband." In remarkably sane contrast, another contestant, JoJo, is feeling far more levelheaded about her one-day relationship, "I'm excited to get to know him better." 

 Over at The Four Seasons Hotel (no separate house for our bachelor in the budget this year?), Ben is in his underwear. As the camera crew gratuitously captures him putting on his jeans for the day, Ben shares that he's not nervous but actually eager to get started with everything. "I'm so excited!" It's an all too familiar phrase and a word that Ben loves to use.

 At the mansion, the very first date card arrives. Lace admits that she had too much to drink the previous night and is hopeful to get it together this time around. The names of the women who will be going on the first group outing: Jackie, LB, Lauren H., Becca, Amber, Mandi, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer and Lace. 

 The ladies have a toast inside the limo (take a drink!) as they make their way to the first date location. At this point, I decide I need to play along with this week's drinking game. For once, I'm not in the mood for wine and settle on a beer. Nothing says a wintery January night in Pittsburgh like a Corona. As the 6" of snow lay outside my window, I am finding my beach. By the way, why can't Sharon Van Etten release the full length version of "Ray of Light"? Nothing drives me crazier than a made-for-TV commercial song that is too good to only be thirty seconds long.

 The limo arrives at "Bachelor High." Ben is now 2/2 with bringing high school into each episode of the show. I'm all for taking a stroll down memory lane but either Ben peaked in his teen years or he has some sort of jail bait thing going on in his psyche.

 JoJo says that she's "never been this turned on at a high school before." I feel sorry for her. She clearly didn't attend my Catholic high school. And that's all I'm going to say about that. 

 Ben says that some of his fondest memories are from his high school glory days including his first kiss. Late bloomer, huh? I recall my first kiss was in pre-school but that didn't get me very far as I'm closing in on 30 and still as single as one woman can possibly be. 

 Chris Harrison is doing his best Richard Belding over the school PA system. He announces that Bachelor High will be hosting a series of contests. The winner will be crowned Ben's hoe homecumming homecoming queen. When you think about this entire date, cutesy as it may be, it's really weird. But then again, most Bachelor group dates are strange. I take a sip of my Corona and try not to gag.

 Part one of the homecoming contest is a science fair experiment. Professor Harrison tells the ladies that they are challenged with the task of "making Ben's volcano explode." Take a drink! Lace and Jubilee are struggling with reading the scientific directions- measuring and pouring is hard work for these two. They are the first pair of women to be eliminated.

 The second portion of the homecoming queen contest takes place during "lunch class." Their words. Not mine. The women must bob for apples. "You can't use your teeth hands," warns Professor Harrison. Ben is taking mental notes on which ladies are good with their mouths. Call me a cynic but shouldn't this sort of action have come before the volcano ejaculation eruption? One of the producers dropped the ball on this one. LB's facial expression tells the tale for the rest of us watching at home. This entire date scenario is ridiculous.

 The third part of the contest takes place in geography class. The women are asked to locate Ben's home state of Indiana on an unmarked United States map. One of the Laurens says that her kindergartners are smarter than Becca and JoJo. She's right. Becca and JoJo turned the shape of Indiana on its side and placed it where I'm writing this recap, Pennsylvania. 

 The last leg of the homecoming queen race is happening in the gymnasium. The women must shoot free throws to prove they can be Indiana Hoosiers. Amber and her partner Mandi win on the basketball court but are told they must race each other on the track field to determine who the Bachelor High homecoming queen will be. In an unexpected turn of events, Mandi, the wacky dentist, is a hurdling champ. Mandi proves that white women can jump as she decidedly beats Amber. Mandi continues her streak of rocking headgear as last night's massive rose is replaced by a crown from Claire's Accessories. Ben, noticeably disinterested, regrettably lets Mandi wear his actual high school letterman jacket. The two take a victory lap around the track in none other than a classic muscle car. I guess the black Mustang was a one-day rental because this set of wheels is red.

 Evening falls on the first group date and the ladies have reemerged in cocktail attire. There has to be a wardrobe stylist on set. I didn't see anyone with an overnight bag. There's no way these women can pack enough formal wear for a possible season long run on the show. It gives me anxiety thinking about how much money it would cost to dress yourself for every scene on The Bachelor. 

 During a private conversation, Becca is seen shooting hoops with Ben. Clearly, her lack of geography skills matter little to our bachelor as he seems to be enjoying her company. Becca, not the brains of the group, shares her feelings. "I'm really excited. I wouldn't be here if I wasn't excited to be here."  I feel like I'm watching a couple of naive teenagers who sneaked out of their parents' house after midnight. 

 Ben and Jennifer seem to have good sexual chemistry as they share a kiss during their alone time. This news surprises Lace as being the only girl to have kissed Ben so far was her calling card. 

 Elsewhere at the mansion, the other ladies await the arrival of the first solo date card. Olivia's mouth is hanging wide open. She would have done an outstanding job during the apple bobbing portion of the homecoming queen contest had she been along for the ride. This is a terrible look for Olivia but she's too confident that her name will be on the card to care.

  Olivia is severely disappointed to find out that Caila, the peppy Boston girl, is the recipient of the first one-on-one date. Caila is bubblier than ever as she giggles and snaps at the news. It's an alarming amount of cheer and I remember a time in my life when I was this obnoxiously happy. 

 Back on the group date, Lace interrupts the homecoming queen, Mandi, as she chats with Ben. Lace wants to take this time to apologize for last night's antics. Ben is appreciative of her words and expresses how beautiful he finds her. Ben reiterates that he wants to get to know Lace better. I don't recall Ben saying anything like this to the other ladies. This is code for "I want to find out if your hot-crazy scale is measuring appropriately..."

 Lace is transfixed by her conversation with Ben. She feels empowered by Ben's words of encouragement. "We're just almost eye fucking."

 Jubilee steals Ben away from Lace. Jubilee and Ben have a deep conversation about Jubilee's rocky childhood. Ben says that he wants to explore things with the war veteran.

 The ladies are bickering over who has spent the most amount of time with the bachelor. Lace, ever one to keep things elegant says, "Fuck these bitches!" Lace heads to break up Ben's conversation with one of the Laurens. The bachelor isn't as amused this time but keeps things polite as the two discuss their real lives back in Denver.

 As the women continue whining about their lack of time with the bachelor, Ben takes JoJo to a secret spot. The two wind up on top of an LA skyscraper. They aren't repelling as they fall in love but JoJo still manages to fill the pun quota, "I've never been this high in my entire life!" A first date on the edge of a 1,000 foot structure. It's the sort of romantic scenario that is only probable on The Bachelor. In the real world, if a guy surprised you on your first date with a walk up a narrow flight of stairs onto a rooftop, you might fear that he was going to push you off the edge.

 The following day, Ben shows up to the mansion to pick Caila up for their date. Chris Harrison reveals that Ice Cube and Kevin Hart will be coming along due to contractual obligations to provide more diversity within The Bachelor without having to cast a minority as the star of the show. I severely doubt that most of the ladies know who either of these men are but the producers would never admit this to the audience. The producers are asking Ice Cube and Kevin Hart what is the most romantic thing they've ever done for a woman. Ice Cube's answer? "Um, I married one." When you really think about it, he's right. Not much else is more romantic.

 One of the twins is poolside at the mansion and discussing how "extravagant" Caila's date is going to be. Cut to a liquor store on the wrong side of LA. Ice Cube is telling the bachelor to buy condoms and Hennessy. Ben laughs nervously, "I think Ice Cube and I might have different styles when it comes to a first date." I'm pretty sure the entire Bachelor franchise has a different style. Why try to push the envelope? Amy Schumer with Kaitlyn Bristowe- yes. Kevin Hart with Ben Higgins- not so much. How much did that movie Kevin and Cube are starring in pay you to advertise to the wrong demographic?

 As the ride along continues in yet another classic convertible, Ben and Caila's discussion gets deep. We learn that Ben's favorite color is blue and Caila's is yellow. The unlikely group wind up at a hot tub store because The Bachelor not only has to fill a pun quota but a hot tub scene quota as well. 

 As Kevin Hart and Ice Cube depart from the date, Ben and Caila share a private dinner. Caila comes across as more than just a giddy girl with a pretty face. Her hair is also flawless. She's naturally beautiful and well-spoken. The two seem to really enjoy each other's company. As dinner concludes, Ben has one more surprise for Caila, condoms and Hennessy back at The Four Seasons. The producers have arranged for one of Ben's favorite musical artists, Amos Lee, to provide a private concert for the pair. I listened to a lot of Amos Lee back at the turn of the century so this is the sort of romantic thing that I actually enjoy from The Bachelor. Swoon!

 A new day has dawned and the second set of women are headed out in the limo for a group date. A toast happens. "To being Ben's perfect match!" (Drink!) Olivia's mouth is still hanging open. 

 The women arrive at "Love Lab Technologies" and are greeted by a robotic "doctor." I wonder if Doctor Love moonlights as Pat Sajack's understudy. This is LA after all and everyone has dreams of super stardom. I also wonder whether Love Lab Technologies has a single Yelp review. The Love Lab Technologies banner was definitely printed by a production assistant no less than an hour before the ladies' arrival. 

 Doctor Love informs the women that they will be going through a series of tests with Bachelor Ben to determine how strong their chemistry really is. The twins admit that they aren't very scientific to the surprise and awe of no one. 

 The first series of tests are of a visual nature and are meant to determine what the eye fixates on. Ben vs. Sean Lowe is one photo slide that is shown. No contest. Sean was never my type. I'm definitely more of a Ben girl, myself. 

 The second portion of the Love Lab is a smell test. At this point, Shushanna, our international woman of mystery, proves that she actually does speak a bit of English. Ben is blindfolded as he goes from woman to woman, smelling her nether regions. I feel sorry for anyone whose monthly visitor is in town- not sure if the pheromones would help or hinder in this situation but the outfit the girls are required to wear is skintight and white. Ben describes Sam as having a "sour" scent.

 The third part of the Love Lab involves a thermal imaging scan. During Olivia's time with Ben, she practically begs him to kiss her. Ben says no but only because people are watching (people meaning Doctor Love and the other women). He must have already forgotten about the reality show filming his every move. People are always watching, Ben. 

 Doctor Love has the results of the Love Lab tests. Sour Sam comes in last place. Olivia wins with "spectacular" results. Arrogant to the core, O-Face as I now like to call her, is full of life. "Winning!" she boasts. I wonder if Olivia was sequestered during filming The Bachelor when Charlie Sheen made his big HIV positive reveal. 

 As night falls, the group heads back to The Four Seasons Hotel. Ben is seen in my favorite male outfit of all time- a hoody under a fitted blazer. The stylist is definitely on set. Ben asks Olivia for alone time first because he likes her the most of her stellar Love Lab scores. The women are not pleased. "It feels like the Ben and Olivia show." 

 Ben takes Olivia back to his hotel room. There must not be temperature control in the rooms at the fancy Four Seasons because Ben feels the need to drape Olivia with his blazer. And just as quickly as the adorable outfit look came in, it's gone. 

 As the two flirt and share their first kiss with each other, Ben asks Olivia how it feels to be in the 75th percentile for couples' attraction. 75% is straddling the C/D grade line in my book but these two seem impressed with their mediocrity. I'm usually in the 75th percentile on the QuizUp app but no one is here to brag. As O-Face comes down from her climax, Ben joins the other women. One of the twins makes a bold move and asks for alone time. 

 O-Face asks the others with a mouth full of food where they plan to take Ben during their alone time. Amanda politely answers Olivia's question with a question and asks where they went. Olivia rudely says she doesn't want to talk about it. If you don't want to answer your own question then don't ask someone else. 

 Ben later chats with Shushanna. We learn that she came to the United States with $400 in her pocket, 1 pair of jeans, 2 pairs of shoes and most importantly, 2 bottles of vodka. Is Shushanna even a legal citizen?  

 As the date rose sits on the table, Sour Sam says that if the rose goes to her then science doesn't mean too much. O-Face quickly chimes in, "If Ben is a big believer in science, then I'd be a little concerned." 

 Amanda, the squeaky-voiced single Mom from the O.C., is negatively affected by Olivia's aggressiveness. She decides that she needs to tell Ben about her two little girls. Ben asks if she has any pictures which she admits that she doesn't but the other girls have pictures of their dogs. I'd have a majorly difficult time leaving my shih-tzu, Ireland, for that length of time. I don't see how a Mom could walk away from her very young kids for this sort of "opportunity" but I'm not one to judge (yes I am). Much to Amanda's relief, Ben goes out of his way to assure America Amanda that he isn't prejudice against children from a previous relationship.

 Despite Amanda's best efforts, Ben awards the date rose to Olivia. This achievement marks the second rose ceremony in a row in which O-Face will go in without any need to worry. "I don't know what rose ceremonies are, really. Olivia Higgins. It's mine. C'mon. Let's just end the show now." 

 Amanda is in tears and struggling to find her words. "Like, I don't like know if like it's like even worth it for me to be here." 

 When the rose ceremony begins, an anonymous bachelorette voices herself. "You look nice!"  Every season of the show has a contestant who fades into the background and never manages to score any memorable screen time. Rachel is this season's mirage. Ben responds with the most accurate quote of the season thus far, "It's good to see some of you I haven't seen before in awhile." 

 Ben begins his night with Leah and pulls his go-to chivalrous move of draping his lady with his sport jacket. As the two discuss typical things, Olivia decides that now is not the time to rest on her laurels. Despite already having a rose, she takes Ben away for some more alone time. Leah reports back to the other women that O-Face is continuing to do the devil's work.

 Olivia is giving me fatal attraction vibes as she departs from her time with Ben and heads back to the other ladies. "Now that I'm done, everyone else can have at it." Amber is not pleased with Olivia's sense of entitlement. I don't fault O-Face for taking the extra time with Ben. If you have a connection with someone, by all means, spend as much time together as possible. But Olivia's faults lay in her delivery. Lace is not pleased with the stirring of the pot. That's her responsibility on the show and she won't stand for anyone else taking her job away.

 Lace asks for some alone time with Olivia. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, perhaps? If you can't beat them, join them? Both Lace and Olivia are their own particular brand of crazy and their conversation is bizarre. Lace calls O-Face out for stirring the drama but departs their powwow as she creates a scene for herself.

 Lace drunkenly pours her deepest secrets out to Ben. There is an acknowledgment of her current state of neurosis and tales of awkward childhood years. Ben is losing more and more interest in Lace as every detail emerges. Lace reveals that her Dad calls her Roseanne. Is this her real name?! Please, let Roseanne be Lace's legal name!

  Flight attendant Lauren interrupts Lace's heart-to-heart with Ben. Lauren was not one of the women who was included in any of the previous dates- the hoe queen race, chem lab experiment or the one-on-one ride along with the black guys. This should reveal to the audience that Ben has strong feelings for this particular Lauren. During their chat, he presents Lauren with a photograph that one of the producers captured from their first meeting. It's a particularly nostalgic feeling to look back on your relationship after two days of being together. 

 A bit later, another Lauren, also a blond dressed in a tight yellow cocktail dress, has some alone time with the bachelor. This is Midwestern Lauren, the Kindergarten teacher. Ben doesn't have a photograph to make this Lauren feel special but he did bring her a blue ribbon for achieving the largest volcano eruption during the science fair. Leave it to the school teacher to follow the directions better than the girls who are unemployed.

 Ben shares how positive he's feeling about this group of women. At this point, he's more concerned with who he is going to try and get famous with make things work with rather than if there is a woman in the bunch who he might be compatible with. I find it remarkable that Ben can find love with multiple women out of a group of 28 but I can't seem to find any strong contenders out of a field of about 2,800 on Tinder.

 Ben has another chance to chat with Momma Amanda. He takes this opportunity to make hair barrettes for her little girls. He's really making a valiant effort to prove how comfortable he is with the idea of being a Step-Dad. It's always been my opinion that the more you try to prove yourself as okay with a hot button issue, the more likely you are to be uneasy about it. Less is more, Ben. But Amanda is moved to tears of joy.

 Chris Harrison breaks up the cocktail party and informs Ben that it's time to deliberate which ladies will be staying on for week 3. Lace is a nervous wreck because her true character was revealed the person she didn't want to be came out. 

 The following ladies receive a rose: Amanda (the Mom), Jubilee (the war veteran), Lauren B. (the flight attendant), Leah (the football snapper), Becca (the virgin from farmer Chris's season), Rachel (the one that doesn't get any screen time), Lace (there are no words necessary), Jennifer (the Florida business owner that Ben kissed), Emily (one of the twins), Jami (another girl who doesn't get much screen time), Lauren H. (the Midwestern Kindergarten teacher), Shushanna (the alleged border bouncer), Haley (the other twin) and Amber (the other girl from farmer Chris's season who lost the hurdling contest). 

 In an unforeseen plot twist, it should be noted that one of the Laurens, "LB", declined Ben's rose. I'm not sure if it was the pressure of competing with other women that shook the Oklahoma native or if it was the wave of a check from a producer (gotta create some drama when there really isn't any). I am going to have faith in LB and guess that she just didn't want to be there any more. The Bachelor High homecoming queen race would be enough to send many a sane woman packing her bags. 

 The rejects: A girl whose name and background I can't recall (UPDATE: I think it was Jackie, possibly pictured above, bobbing for apples), Sour Sam (the newly minted attorney), and the wacky dentist, Mandi (THE BACHELOR HOMECOMING QUEEN- oh, the humanity!). 

 Next week's episode appears to actually contain some extravagant dates! Stay tuned for private plane rides, more hot tubs and maybe a few private parts!