"Don't Go Chasing Waterfalls", The Bachelor S20 E9 Recap

 After a week-long hiatus to take in everything that wasn't was The Women Tell Nothing The Women Tell All, I'm back with another recap. Let's turn the clock back as opposed to forward (ugh!) and recall all of the steamy details from Week 9- AKA "The Fantasy Suites."

Caila, JoJo, Lauren

 Ben is in Jamaica and ready for three back-to-back nights of ecstasy with his three remaining bachelorettes. He reminds us who is still around:

• Caila: One of the most beautiful women he's been around with a smile that lights up a room.
• Lauren: Seeing her for the first time was the closest thing he's ever experienced to love at first sight. Could it be too good to be true?
• JoJo: Outgoing, fun and brings out a new side to him to that's more confident and playful.

 The first date is with Caila. The couple is happy to see each other. They spend a leisurely afternoon floating along the Martha Brae River. Conversation is lacking. Awkward silences. Caila is anxious just thinking about the other two women who will also have fantasy dates with her boyfriend this week. Ben can sense the tension and asks what's wrong. "Melancholy" is the seventh grade vocabulary term he feeds to a producer type when describing Caila's mood. The day hasn't been what Ben had expected.

 The couple retreat to an island bar where a few coconut drinks provide enough liquid courage and dopamine for Caila to swing to the happy side of her personality. By the time that dinner rolls around, she's once again in a manic state good spirits. She doesn't want to have any regrets. She attributes her depressive episode from earlier to being nervous to tell Ben that she loves him. Riiiight. Caila attempts to spin and manipulate the truth by telling Ben that she "appreciates" him for noticing that she was "off." Who thanks someone for noticing they're in a bad mood? She finally tells Ben she loves him to make up for her lack of charisma from earlier and he buys it hook, line, and sinker.

  The first FANTASY SUITE card arrives. 

"Should you choose to forgo your individual rooms, please use this key to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite. Love, Chris Harrison"

  20 Seasons, 15 years and that damn card always reads exactly the same (as it should to keep with tradition!)... but the handwriting is always different. Chris Harrison has so many different styles of cursive that he would perplex even the savviest of handwriting analysts. Either that or a lowly production assistant is given the grand honor of writing out the fantasy suite cards each year. I appreciate a classic, handwritten note. I like that there isn't a printed card accompanied with sexual innuendo emojis attached.

  Ben and Caila have a late night swim in the ocean as they watch fireworks. Caila says that she could "live in this moment forever." 

 "I could wake up in the morning and know for certain that Caila is the woman for me." It's good to know what Ben is basing his decision on.

  The next morning, Caila is optimistic. "I can see myself waking up next to him for the rest of my life. We woke up as a couple. He didn't have to say he loved me back. I felt it." 

 After Ben leaves Caila, he meets up with his other girlfriend, Lauren (hopefully after a very long shower). Lauren is her usual bubbly self. "There's something about the water and sunshine." Spoken like a girl who grew up in the Portland but moved to California for brighter days. 

 Ben and Lauren will be spending their day releasing baby turtles into the wild. "We're helping turtles SURVIVE!" exclaims our bachelor. As I watch the couple bathe the adorable little turtles, I wonder if it would be possible to take one home as a pet. Calm down, PETA! This would be the ultimate souvenir. Would the turtle require a makeshift pool for its habitat- how large? Would it be suitable for city dwelling? If the turtle outlives both Ben and Lauren, will they bequeath the amphibian to the local zoo?

 Ben and Lauren both say that they've missed each other. Ben tells Lauren how much he loved her perfect family. "You're too good for me," Ben says. Lauren feels the same way. She wants to tell Ben that she loves him but the other relationships are still on her mind. 

 Ben and Lauren wind up at a local beach bar with a fantastic Jamaican band playing a song with the lyrics, "so in love with you." The synchronicity is not lost on Lauren as she smirks toward the camera. Ben is having "an incredibly fun day with Lauren. She's so good to be around." 

 During dinner, Lauren opens up more to Ben. She tells him that she's invested and feels good about what they have but doesn't know where he stands with the other women. Lauren says that all of this is very real for her and tells Ben, "You're the man of my dreams." 

 Cue the second fantasy suite card. Lauren says that she needs time alone with Ben away from the camera crew distractions. Ben tells a producer that he's "head over heels" for Lauren.

 Lauren has her own chat with a producer type. "This is the night to do us." "Put it all out there." "Let all the walls down." "Open up." "All or nothing." Maybe there was an emoji memo attached to that fantasy suite card, after all. ;)

 Lauren tells Ben that she's "completely in love" with him but these aren't new feelings. Ben breaks The Bachelor code of conduct and admits "I've known I'm in love with you for awhile as well." 

 You'd think that if the bachelor told you he loved you on a show where he's not supposed to admit his feelings that you would be the guaranteed choice but don't count your roses before they bloom. 

 Lauren says that waking up next to Ben is "a dream" and something that she wants to do for the rest of her life. Ben reaffirms his love for my pick from night one as he departs for a date with his final contender. 

 Another day, another woman. JoJo will be joining Ben for a tropical adventure. Ben admits that his heart is with Lauren but he has to sleep with JoJo "explore things" with JoJo to know for sure. 

 JoJo is ecstatic to be spending the day with her boyfriend in a serenely remote locale. After the helicopter drops them off in their own private oasis, Ben leads her to the beautiful YS Falls. I love the name because it reminds me of one of my favorite designers. As JoJo and Ben leap from a cliff (with JoJo looking smoking hot in an adorable bikini, might I add), she says it was "an incredible moment" and that she "feels safe with Ben." 

Is that a bottle of Red Stripe in your swim trunks or are you just happy to see me?

 As the couple spend time on a rock overlooking the Jamaican waterfalls, Ben probes JoJo for further insight into their relationship. "There's not a doubt in my mind that I want to spend my future with you," she says. "I do love you."  Ben shocks JoJo when he shares that he loves her as well. "What?! Are you allowed to say that?" Nope. He's technically not supposed to say anything. After 15 years, the producers have finally figured out that this is sort of a critical thing to hear in order to accept someone's proposal. Through the magic of editing, it's completely okay for the bachelor to say back those three magic words. Duh! 

 Ben doesn't know what to do. He's in love with both JoJo and Lauren but neither woman is none the wiser. I wonder why none of the finalists on the show have ever spied on the other fantasy dates. The producers stupidly seclude each of the women. That's where they're making a mistake. Think of all the drama that could ensue with a pair of binoculars and a sonic sleuth listening device.

 When dinner rolls around, Ben admits that in the back of his mind, he's having flashbacks to sleeping with two other women the previous nights before the other things he did this week. 

 JoJo is feeling confident and safe with Ben. "It was the best day of my life!" It really is tragic when you think about the fact that for part of that day, Ben was "with" someone else. 

 Ben is feeling hesitant about JoJo's brothers who weren't exactly welcoming. "If they don't support our relationship then that's a concern." JoJo says that her brothers were just being protective and that the entire situation was surreal. She thanks Ben for not running away. 

 When the third and final fantasy suite card arrives, JoJo tells Ben she would love nothing more than to spend the night with him. The couple enjoy champagne in their private hot tub before exchanging "I love yous" in the bedroom. 

 The next morning, kisses and snuggles are exchanged. Ben tells JoJo how cute she is and that they're "on the same page." JoJo is a user of the term of endearment "baaaabe."

 Ben seems to have really enjoyed himself with the exuberant brunette. "Last night with JoJo was one of the best nights of my life." And this, ladies and gentleman, is why the fantasy suites are crucial. You gotta test drive each model before you decide which is the best fit. 

 Despite Ben's perfect date with JoJo, he's still reflecting on the other women. When Lauren is brought up, he has this to say. "I've been enthralled by her since the moment I met her." 

 As for Caila? "For some reason, I can't get there with Caila." Hmmm. Very interesting choice of words post-fantasy suite, Ben. Caila, on the other hand, has no clue of the reality of the situation. Someone must have slipped her some uppers because she heads to surprise Ben. As she scours the hotel suite with her hands giddily over her mouth in steeple position, I can't help but remember Rebecca Sealfon, the 1997 Scripps National Spelling Bee Champion (bitch stole my title). 

 I can't handle the forced perkiness. I read Caila like a book. She's not the burst of sunshine she wants you to think she is. As she surprises Ben, he's taken aback. He tells Caila that he's glad she came over. She immediately senses the discourse is not headed in the right direction. 

 Ben tells Caila that he's in love with two women but she's not either of them. Ouch. He attempts to sugarcoat. "I just couldn't say it (I love you) back to you and I don't know why." He goes on to basically tell Caila that she's his perfect wife on paper but it's not there for him. Caila's mood quickly swings and tells Ben it sounds like he's feeding her a line. That sounds familiar. Maybe she should date one of JoJo's brothers who shared the same exact sentiment. Ben tells Caila that he really will miss her... but not before she jumps out of her escorted vehicle to ask one final question. "Did you know you were going to let me go before you slept with me?" "So, did you know this week?" Ben skates around the issue. I have a feeling Ben's not being able to get there might have had something to do with the break-up. But not really. He simply liked the other women more.

 Caila realizes that slamming Ben will only make her look like a fool (and lessen her chances at being selected as the next bachelorette!). She has a manic mood swing and goes from tears to smiles and back to tears again. I just don't trust this girl. Ben is emotionally exhausted with her as well.

 Caila shares with a producer how she's feeling. "I thought I'd be getting engaged in a week and a half. I was ready to be his wife." At 24-years-old, Caila doesn't know why she hasn't found love yet. Through tears (she's an adorable crier) she says, "I thought this was it! I didn't see this coming! I still love him!" 

 The unnecessary rose ceremony (two women, two roses) resembles a scene from Sister Wives. JoJo and Lauren seemed friendly enough throughout the season but their energy has shifted. They're now the only ones remaining, competing against each other, for the man they both love. JoJo is on a bit of a confidence trip, unbeknownst to her, Lauren is as well. Thinking that she's the only one who Ben told he loved, JoJo asks her competitor "Are you the most anxious you've ever been?" Lauren keeps a poker face and isn't really giving in to any of it. "Um, no. He told me he loved me, you hussy," Lauren thinks to herself. 

 Ben awards the first rose to JoJo and the last to Lauren. The order could be read from two different perspectives but I'll withhold judgment until after the final rose. Ben tells a producer "I could picture both being my wife." My money is still on my original pick, Lauren. We shall soon find out! 

"Hometowns", The Bachelor S20 E8 Recap

 Week 8 of The Bachelor takes us away for the storied hometown dates. Ben is "excited about this group" and hopes that the women are feeling excited for him as well. He loves that word. Hometowns are always my favorite week. I'll be like Ben and admit that, I, too, am excited.

 The first stop for hometown dates is just south of The Bachelor mansion. Ben joins Momma Amanda and her adorable little girls in Laguna Beach. Amanda says that she's falling for Ben but won't know for sure until she sees the way he interacts with her children. Ben is sweet with the kids as the group plays in the sand and chases each other along the beach. It's an uneventful afternoon.

 After the day at the beach, the gang heads to meet Amanda's parents. Ben's facial expression says it all. He is exhausted and doesn't want to be there. I think he knows that Amanda is going to be staying home after this week. This unnecessary introduction to her parents is very taxing. Amanda's Dad notices Ben's lack of energy and describes him as a "deer caught in the headlights." 

 Watching Amanda and her Mom talk is somewhat unusual. There seems to be a distance between them. It's as if they're strangers. Maybe it's the camera crew capturing their heart-to-heart. Amanda's Mom is hesitant about the relationship. She likes Ben but has her doubts. She's serious about examining her daughter's choice in men because in the past, it wasn't always on the mark.

 Amanda's Dad and Ben also have a chat that's serious in tone. He's very firm about making sure that Ben grasps the severity of becoming "an instant Dad." He warns Ben that kids always have to come first and that he won't always be able to do the things he wants. Ben is clearly having second thoughts.

 Amanda is hopeful. I, personally, have never seen what these two have together. It just doesn't seem to be there. She disagrees. "After today, I feel like I am in love with him. I can 100 percent see him being a great Dad to my kids, being a great husband." 

 The next stop takes us to Lauren's hometown of Portland, Oregon. Lauren is my pick from week 1 so I am admittedly rooting for the bubbly blonde. She has the smarts to plan a date that centers around things that Ben would appreciate in PDX- food trucks, Voodoo donuts, and whiskey. The girl gets her man.

 Lauren shares with Ben that Portland is "the city of roses." He better be giving her one after she provides a tour of the hipster capital of the world.

 While Lauren and Ben are devouring a buttery concoction, Ben points out the health risks but says that he couldn't think of a better way to die than standing next to her.

 After lunch, Lauren takes Ben to a place that she refers to as the Whiskey "Li-berry." For clarification, it's called the Whiskey Library and it's phenomenal. Dimly lit, books, drinks, a massive fireplace. I'm moving to Portland. I'm still disappointed that I didn't make it there on my Pacific Northwest trip earlier this fall. I could have been there at the same time as The Bachelor! Missed opportunities. I am living vicariously through every moment of this hometown date.

 Later in the evening, Lauren takes Ben to her childhood home to introduce him to her seemingly perfect family. It's like the Cleaver household. Everyone acts normal and looks well-coiffed. Lauren's sister is also beautiful. Skeptical but warm and openhearted, she asks Ben all of the right questions. "There's something about your sister.... I feel really lucky," he shares as he holds back a few tears of gratitude. He wins the sister over rather quickly.

 Lauren privately tells her sister "I feel like Ben's my person. I was meant to meet Ben. I am definitely in love with him." Her sister says that she really likes Ben and that the couple has her full blessing.

 Lauren's Dad, Dave (same name as Ben's father), has an honest, serious chat with Ben to find out where he stands. Ben says that Lauren is special. "When I saw her for the first time, the world stopped." Heart. Melts. These are the things they say on The Bachelor that has distorted my sense of reality and kept me tuning in for the past two decades.

 Lauren's Dad likes Ben but he's worried that "his baby Lo Lo"  will get hurt because there are three other women still in the picture.

 Lauren knows that she wants to tell Ben that she loves him but she holds back as they make-out in front of his escorted vehicle.

 Ben's next hometown date is in Hudson, Ohio. He will be spending the day with Caila, with whom he describes as the girl that he "has the deepest relationship." 

 The finalists on The Bachelor are always loaded and Caila is no exception. I don't know if the show casts people who are wealthy simply because they're the only ones who can financially step away from their jobs to appear on TV or if it has something to do with the wardrobe thing (styling yourself for an entire season on the show costs money). I need to know if there is a provided stylist on the set at all times (or any of the time for that matter). I might reach out to Michelle Money via YouTube. But I digress.

 Caila gives Ben a tour of her prep school because she knows that Ben gets hard just thinking about high school. Caila is smart like a fox. She knows that she doesn't have "deep roots" so she is trying to lure Ben in by playing her cards strategically right. I don't believe anything she says. I want to see her transcripts.

 Caila is aware that sitting in the quad of her alleged high school is not going to get her an engagement ring. She takes Ben to her Dad's company to plug the newest toy to tell him that she's ready to build a house together. It's a plastic house but it symbolizes their future- artificial and built over the span of about an hour. Drawing upon what little Caila knows about Ben, she remembers that he told her his favorite color was blue. The roof will be blue. Something borrowed...

 Per usual, Caila is giddy and spilling her heart out to a producer type. "I know that Ben is the one. I know I'm gonna marry him and we're going to have the happily-ever-after I've been looking for."

 Caila's parents make total sense. I can see how she is bipolar so multi-faceted. She is the perfect blend of both of them. Her Mother is Filipino and fila-fabulous. Her Dad is a typical CEO but he reminds me of someone. I can't quite put my finger on it. A mix between George Bush and someone completely blonde and very obscure. An actor, perhaps? It's driving me crazy!

 When Ben and Caila's Mom have time to chat privately, he shares that one thing he appreciates is that "Caila doesn't say the right thing but the real thing." Caila's Mom is impressed that Ben seems to be attracted to the way her daughter's mind works rather than just her looks. This is what Caila has been searching for. Isn't that what everyone wants? Probably not. Most people are super shallow.

 Caila tells her Dad that she knows this is it. "This is what I've been looking for all of my life." Her Dad is surprised that his daughter is in love and fears that she might end up crushed.

WHO ARE YOU?!

 Caila still refers to her parents as "Mommy" and "Daddy." She keeps saying that she knows he's the one. Her Mom gives her what seems like obvious advice but it's much easier said than done. "Tell him how you feel." 

 Caila wants to tell Ben that she's in love with him per her Mom's suggestion but the side of her personality that favors her Dad's genes keeps her silent. She's still scared to trust Ben because he has three other girlfriends. The tally? Two women who love Ben but are afraid to tell him.

 Ben bounces from Ohio and heads to Dallas to meet up with JoJo and her Texan clan. JoJo is surprised to see red roses and a note in front of her house. When she reads the letter, she quickly realizes that it's not from Ben but her ex-boyfriend, Chad. I don't know a lot of Chads. All of them are TV-related. There's Chad Michael Murray; Chad, the son of Kim Richards from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills; and Chad from Scream Queens. I need a visual of Chad, the ex-boyfriend from The Bachelor. 

 JoJo is upset that Chad is just now realizing that he doesn't want to lose her. Perfect timing. She calls to tell him that it's supposedly over. She's in tears. Ben will be arriving at any moment. Way to go, Chad.

 When Ben does show up, he is confused. Today was supposed to be happy but JoJo is sad. Ben says that he is "very uncomfortable" with JoJo's ex-boyfriend drama because a similar situation happened to him in the past. JoJo's mood doesn't seem to spoil any plans because she apparently didn't schedule anything for the two of them to do together. I'm sure this is just an editing/timing issue but the couple is seen doing nothing around Dallas.

 Later, JoJo takes Ben to her parents' mansion to meet her family. Her protective older brothers are ecstatic to see her. I thought for sure that one of the brothers was "on the spectrum" from the way that he greeted his sister but I think that was just the alcohol talking screeching. Most of the family seems to already have a good buzz going. Rich, good-looking people who drink too much, are my type of crowd. It's all very Dallas.

 The brothers have a chance to sit down with Ben. They're concerned that JoJo could get hurt. They grill the bachelor. Ben looks terrified. He's honest and says that he's not sure yet what the outcome will be. This isn't good enough, ya'll. The brothers aren't having any of it.

 JoJo is feeling the same hesitations as her brothers. She tells her Mother that she's scared she's going to get hurt because there are three other women still involved. JoJo's Mom says that she won't get hurt because she's beautiful. Hot people are exempt from pain.

  JoJo's Mom may or may not be completely inebriated (she's drinking rosé straight from the bottle, attagirl!) but she offers the most sound advice, "Have faith and give the relationship 150 percent." 

 I feel like Ben and JoJo are just not right for each other. I could be totally wrong. Perhaps opposites truly do attract. If I were playing matchmaker, I just wouldn't pair these two together. One of JoJo's hot brothers (also named Ben) is skeptical. "How can you fall in  love with someone that you've only been on two dates with?" 

 The brothers confront Ben. "You've brainwashed these women. (She's) too emotional after only two dates." It's a confusing scene and a hard one to watch. I wonder if they're going to get out firearms from a fancy gun cabinet. For once, I am speechless. I can't make heads or tails of this introduction. It's obviously a mess but I don't know if JoJo's family were too tough on Ben or right in their convictions. Probably a combination of both.

 Ben is disappointed. "It wasn't the hometown that I would have liked." JoJo knows that Ben has everything that she's looking for but she's scared that she might lose him.

 The rose ceremony takes place back in LA at the mansion. The women all seem happy to see each other. I don't recall the last time that the final four appeared to be this close. It's nice to see women getting along with each other. Each woman says that she's in love with Ben but someone will be going home.

 Ben thanks the ladies for introducing him to their families. He eventually awards Lauren, Caila and JoJo with roses. Momma Amanda will be taking the 1 back to Laguna Beach. She's saddened by his decision but holds her composure. Before she departs, she asks why he made her come back to LA only to be let go in a rose ceremony. Listen, Amanda, at least you had the shortest trip home (if you don't count Lauren's LA pad).

 It's reality TV, folks. If everyone were given the gift of being spared the embarrassment and heartbreak of being dumped during a rose ceremony, the show would not still be on the air.

 The couple says their goodbyes and that "they'll miss each other." On the drive back to the OC, Amanda tells a producer that she's "shocked" and "at a loss for words." Just an hour ago, she said she was ready to accept a hypothetical proposal from Ben; now, she's single and left wondering if she will ever find a good man. Welcome to the club, lady.

  Until next week...

"That's So Fetch!", The Bachelor S20 E3 Recap

 Ironically enough, week 3 of The Bachelor begins with two of the women privately discussing something that I mentioned in last week's recap, the cost of styling yourself for a season on the show. Amanda and Lauren B. are captured by a hidden camera talking about Olivia's alleged $40-thousand dollar-wardrobe that she spent for her reality television debut. Olivia comes to The Bachelor from the world of broadcast journalism. I once worked in local news. I can assure you that a small market news anchor, right out of college, is barely earning enough money to stay above the poverty line. Olivia being able to afford 40-grand worth of bedazzled cocktail dresses and neon-colored athletic wear is out of the scope of likelihood. Either Olivia comes from money, is in major credit card debt or has a side gig on the street corner. This conversation only serves to perpetuate my curiosity toward whether or not there really is a full-time stylist on The Bachelor set. There just has to be. And if there is, Olivia must feel pretty stupid for spending her sugar Daddy's own money on clothes.

 Lauren B.- can we now refer to her as simply Lauren since the other Lauren B., "LB", bowed out last week? Yes, we shall. Lauren admits to Amanda that Olivia is the only girl in the house that she hasn't been able to connect with on any level. Amanda says that she sees straight through her and that there is a mean girl within Olivia. 

 This week's solo date card arrives. Flight attendant Lauren is the recipient of the card that reads, "The sky's the limit!" Take a drink for our first pun of the episode. Ben says that Lauren is beautiful but still a mystery to him. 

 The black Mustang is back. Apparently, it wasn't just a one-day rental. Poor Caila, who felt special riding in a convertible with Ben last week, must now watch another girl do the exact same thing- except this time around, the other girl doesn't have the black guys crashing her date. Ben asks Lauren to guess what she thinks their date will entail. "Don't make me bungee jump!" she says. Someone has watched this show before and I like the way she thinks. But alas, Ben takes the flight attendant to a place that she has never been before- the airport. The two will be flying the friendly skies in a biplane. Ben enthusiastically invites Lauren on board, "Join me on my magical carpet ride!" Let's hope it turns out better than this one: 

 The biplane ride turns out to be a fantastic adventure for the couple. Lauren tells Ben that he makes her feel like a little kid again as they admire the Pacific Ocean and do a flyover the mansion. Olivia is poolside and struggling with the idea of her future husband falling in love with someone else literally above her head. It's a good thing that Olivia knows that Ben is on board the plane because if she thought it was just Lauren on one of her Southwest flights, the outcome may have been entirely different. Hide your laser pointers!

 The small plane lands in a secluded field in the middle of nowhere. The two will be spending the day hiking the beautiful rolling hills in a hot tub. I'm not sure if The Bachelor is sponsored by Jacuzzi this season but they sure are hitting their quotas for hot tub scenes. Ben tells Lauren that there is a tree way down yonder and to suit up. Inside the hot tub, Lauren shares with Ben that their plane ride has inspired her to get her pilot's license. 

 Back at the mansion, JoJo and Caila are having a heart-to-heart. Caila is in tears and fears that she is going to fall in love with Ben but only to watch him fall for someone else. Kind of like the way her ex-boyfriend watched her fall in love with Ben when she saw him on television. Karma? "It's hard to have an open heart when you could see it being broken." Tell that to Jane Seymour. Maybe Jane could hook Caila up with one of those butt-shaped necklaces she hawks for Kay Jewelers. 

 During the dinner portion of Ben and Lauren's date, things go very well. Ben is very taken by Lauren. He can't understand how a catch like her is still single. 26? STILL single? I need a drink. Lauren tells Ben that the only reason she's single is because she's very picky. She doesn't have any sort of sob story. Her childhood was perfect and her Dad set a wonderful example. She has high standards and refuses to settle. I can relate. It's what I like to refer to as the reverse stripper tale. When you have a proper upbringing, sometimes it can screw you over just as badly as being raised in a negative environment. 

 At the mansion, the ladies receive their group date card. "Love is the goal!"  The names of the women who will be going: Amanda, Haley, Jennifer, Shushana, Leah, Amber, Lauren H., Olivia, Jami, Rachel, Lace and Emily. 

 Back on the solo date, Ben is opening up to Lauren. He shares with her about his father's heart condition. This is yet another strong indicator that our bachelor is seeing something special in Lauren. Ben also mentions a pastor. I'm pretty sure Ben is more religious than the producers of the show are letting on. It's Sean Lowe 2.0. Lauren has a bit of a Freudian slip and reveals that she wants to meet Ben's family. She immediately realizes what came out of her mouth and how premature it sounded. It's a cute moment. I remember I once said something similar when I was starting to have feelings for a guy. Sometimes when we really like someone, our hearts are ahead of our minds. Words reach our our mouths without a filter. Ben doesn't seem bothered. These two genuinely seem to like each other.

 Ben has one more surprise for Lauren- a private concert with country act Lucy Angel. It's a good thing Caila isn't around to see that yet another part of her special date has been recreated for another woman. I wonder if the show needs a new batch of producers to help plan out the dates. I am available. These one-on-one dates are all too similar. Lauren must not be up-to-speed on Ben and Caila's date because she sees nothing wrong with him pulling the same thing for her. "100 percent. I think I could fall in love with Ben." Ben is feeling hopeful as well. "Tonight feels like how I'd want the first date to be with my wife." 

 The day of the group date arrives. The women will be playing soccer. Again, the producers really need to come up with some fresh ideas. This has been done before.

 Olivia admits that soccer is the one sport that she knows nothing about. Most of America agrees. Soccer is the only thing I have ever quit in my life. I was in Kindergarten and bored out of my mind. I imagine this date will be a similar torture to sit through. 

 Back at the mansion, JoJo and Jubilee are talking about their solo date prospects as neither name has been called this week. Jubliee fears that Ben has a type, "The everything's always good" girl or "the I'm always happy" girl. Jubilee says this isn't her. She's right. The show continuously casts a specific type of girl- appearance, personality... rarely do they break the mold. It's refreshing to see Jubilee stand out as her own individual. Either editing is playing a big part or JoJo offers no supportive insight. JoJo simply nods her head.

 Back on the group date, the women are divided into two teams- the Stars (with the much cuter uniforms) and the Stripes (think Where's Waldo?). Chris Harrison tells the ladies that the winning team will get to spend the evening with Ben but the losers will have to go back to the mansion.

 The twins are placed on separate teams. I still can't tell the two apart. Rachel, who has been this season's mirage, is actually getting some camera time during this portion of the episode. Her teammate, Emily, is giving it her all on the soccer field. As the Stars' team goalie, she dives and makes a big save that prevents the other side from taking a more commanding lead. "Balls flying in your face is never fun." This remark takes me back to my favorite movie, Clueless. I was young and impressionable when I first saw the film back in 1995. It was several years later that I finally realized a blow job isn't when a guy slaps his junk in your face.

 The soccer match goes into sudden death (another phenomenal cinematic masterpiece) overtime. Rachel gets even more screen time when she suffers a possible season-ending injury. The Stripes take the W. This means that Olivia will be spending the night with Ben alone along with her teammates. The losers head back to the mansion where the other ladies are surprised to see them back so soon. They need a refresher course in how this whole group date thing works. 

 During the second portion of the group date, everyone is at a hotel. Not the Four Seasons but something seemingly nice. Olivia is the first to steal Ben away for one-on-one time. Lace says that she's aggressive. True. But you have to hand it to O-Face for going after what she wants. If I liked a guy as much as O is into our bachelor, I'd probably do the same thing. Olivia says that she's not going to sit on the couch all night and sip her water. Um... someone get this girl a drink. That might explain everything. As Chelsea Handler once said, "There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers." 

 Olivia and Ben sneak away to an upper part of the hotel that overlooks where the other women are chatting. To get the ladies' attention, Olivia actually omits a wolf-like howling sound. I suppose when O-Face is under the glow of a full moon, that mouth hangs open and magic happens. 

 Ben isn't impressed by Olivia marking her territory. He takes her into a hotel room for some privacy. Olivia tells Ben that the other women are intimidated by her and that she understands if he can't show her his full attention outright, every week. Olivia is convinced that there is no one else in the running. She needs to scale it back a few notches. Through kisses, she tells Ben that she misses him all of the time. 

 As Olivia and Ben make-out, the other women are doing what women, unfortunately, do best- tear each other down. The women are picking Olivia's physical features apart. Amber and Lace discuss the state of Olivia's feet. One of the twins has her own thoughts on this debate. "People were making fun of her toes. Toes shouldn't be a big deal." I knew I liked the twins. Oh, no. Wait. I spoke too soon. She continues on, "But, um. I think her boobs are fake. But it's okay. Like, you can tell that they're fake. And her breath is horrible. I wonder if they kissed because I'm sure he smells what I smell." 

 In a scene that should be observed in all future womens' studies courses across the country, Jami, who usually acts as an extra on the show, is given a speaking role. Jami reports back to Olivia that the other women were bashing her. Olivia wants to know what was said. The conversation:

 Jami: They were picking apart some of your appearances. Stupid, little...

 Olivia: Let me guess, my calves?

 Jami: No

 Olivia: Cankles?

 Jami: No, tiny, stupid...

 Olivia: Tell me

 Jami: Your toes

 Olivia: My toes?

 Jami: Your toes are like not cute...

 Olivia: They talked about my toes? 

 With a smile of relief flashing across her face, even Olivia realizes how ridiculous this entire situation is becoming. She tells a producer her perspective. "Am I aggressive? Yeah. Do I have bad toes? Yeah. I know I do. I hate my toes." 

 Olivia affirms to Jami that perfection is "so lame!"  Does Olivia believe herself? Doubtful.

 Elsewhere, back at the mansion, JoJo, Becca, Jubilee and Caila await the solo date card. JoJo confidently points out to Jubilee how nervous she looks. Everyone is in for a surprise as Lauren reads the card, "Jubilee, love is in the air." Okay. The producers really need to go. Flight attendant Lauren already had an aviation-themed date just the other day. Can't they come up with something else to make these women feel special? Lauren must have been thinking, "I was just in the air and that love was supposed to be mine!" 

 Jubilee is elated much to the other ladies' bitterness. Becca says that she's happy for Jubes but no one is picking up what she's putting down.

 Back on the group date, Amber is moaning and groaning that she hasn't had any time with Ben. This chick should be lucky that she was even allowed back on the show for another season. I'm not seeing what the producers see in this girl. But then again, I rarely agree with those people and their duplicate dates. If you want alone time, then go in there and get it. Don't sit around and wait for him to come to you (I wish I could take my own advice)! When Amber finally gets private time with the bachelor, Ben tells her how happy he is that she gave the show a second chance. It's a forced conversation and totally a bore.

 The date rose is ultimately awarded to Amber because of contractual obligations.... Olivia says that she can't have everything, every week and that she gets it. O continues on to share that she is reading the nonverbal cues that Ben has sent her way. "He pushed off on my leg when he got off the couch." Call me cut from the same crazy cloth as O-Face but I actually noticed the exact same thing. I minored in communication studies. They say that over 90% of communication is non-verbal. I fully agree. 

 The day of Jubilee's one-on-one date arrives. She's nervous and afraid that she might come off as socially awkward. When Ben arrives, she jokes that he's 20 minutes late. None of the other women in the house seem to possess a sense of humor as the quip is lost on this audience. The sound of a a chopper is heard overhead. Ben doesn't seem like the type to actually be late. It seems as though he was waiting to make his entrance in tandem with the helicopter. Blame it on the pilot. The group files out of the mansion to send Jubes and Ben off but not before J makes one more joke. Because of her intense fear of heights, she asks the other ladies if anyone else wants her date. This does not sit well with the other women. As noted before, none speak the language of sarcasm. 

 Jami, who I want to call Beige because she is as bland as her personality, is having a hissy fit. Naturally beautiful but severely washed out and in need of a lipstick or the swipe of eyeshadow (something), she describes Jubilee's behavior as "awko-taco." I wonder if this term is at all related to an "awful waffle?" 

 As Jubilee and Ben get into the chopper, it's important to note how jealous all of the other women are. Some have even vocalized it in their own words. This is the basis for the rest of the DRAMA that enfolds later during the cocktail party/rose ceremony. Caila thinks that Jubilee doesn't appreciate the gift that is a solo date. She actually feels bad for Ben that he has to spend a romantic day with Jubilee (um, he chose her, sweetheart). Caila continues that she would be shocked if Jubilee gets a rose and returns back to the mansion. I guess all is not rainbows and butterflies in her world, after all. Jami says that Jubilee's attitude toward everything is "like offensive." I can't even with these chicks.

 The helicopter lands at a fancy health spa. A spread of gourmet food and delicacies is laid out for the couple. Jubilee says that she's never had caviar before. As she tries it, she spits it out. She hates it. Ben asks what types of food she does like. Jubes tells Ben that she's really into hot dogs and coyly sticks her tongue out. Either Ben is slow on the uptake or has no sense of humor like the other women. The joke flies right over his head like that biplane did to Olivia. "I like hot dogs, too." Face. Palm.

 The two spend the day in the pool. This sounds familiar huh? Small plane & hot tub vs helicopter & pool. These producers suck. As Ben and Jubilee get to know each other, Jubilee admits that she has a hard time with other women liking her (that makes two of us, girl). Ben is genuinely interested in getting to know her more as they joke, swim and share a kiss or two.

 The pool day turns into a predictable evening dinner but the conversation gets deep as Jubilee shares her turbulent past. She talks about how all of her family in Haiti were killed before she was adopted. She mentions survivor's guilt. At this point, Ben offers Jubilee the date rose. It might seem like a pity flower but I see things a bit differently. Ben appreciates Jubilee's complexity and I think he truly likes her. 

 The next morning, Beige Jami takes it upon herself to alert the presses that Jubilee has returned to the mansion. Are these women so delusional in their own jealousy that they can't see that their bachelor is into Jubilee? More than he is into most of them, in fact. The women appear to be in a state of shock. 

 Lauren H. is on the lanai being stroked for comfort by some of the other haters women. "It's insane to me... literally insane!" Midwestern Lauren whines in that grating accent. "Your spouse should be able to get along with other people." How about a spouse that acts like an adult and doesn't sit around gossiping about other women. How about a spouse that is inclusive and doesn't make it impossible for said other person to be friends with them. "Jubilee is pulling back from the group." Really? From what I've observed, it's your clique of I won't type that word Mean Girls that are doing the pushing. "I know that Ben wants to have a wife that will be friends with all the other soccer Moms- to set up play dates with their kids. I just don't see it long term." 

 I think what Lauren H. is trying to say here is quite evident. "Ben wants a wife that is blonde and white, with no depth or sense of humor like all of the other soccer Moms." Lauren H. is representative of everything that is wrong with women society.

 The cocktail party has come and I, for one, am in need of an adult beverage. Ben shares with the women that two of his family friends back home were tragically killed in a plane crash. Ever one to take charge, Olivia, in her nasally news anchor voice asks to grab him. One of the twins hopes that Olivia will offer her condolences but isn't holding her breath as O-Face is a real "piece of work."

 What happens next is a gift from above. Just when you think that maybe Olivia has some redeeming qualities and is secretly a sweetheart, this is what she chooses to talk about with the grieving Ben: 

  "So, you know, everyone has things on their bodies they wish they could change. And my like waist down, I hate my legs. I hate them. Like, people have written blogs that I have cankles. And (takes a deep breath, holds back tears), I'm trying to be strong all the time, but um, it's the scariest thing ever." 

 Ben, pondering death, is met with deeper thoughts. Who knew? All along, in this thing we call life, cankles are the scariest things ever. I can only hope that Olivia didn't actually lead with this topic of conversation and that she is simply the victim of editing. But I don't know with this one.

 Fortunately, Amanda offers some words of comfort that only a mother person with a warm, beating heart can provide.

 Beige Jami says that she feels stupid for worrying about petty things like toes. People have died. It really makes you think. This reminds me of "The Misery Chick" episode of Daria. "People aren't upset that Tommy Sherman died. People are upset that they're going to die." 

 Jubilee, one of the few human beings in the group, is thinking of a nice way to make Ben feel better. As she enters the mansion kitchen and greets the other women (JoJo included). Becca makes it a point to be a bitch and walk away in search of "some lip gloss or something." Isn't Becca supposed to be a good, sweet, virginal Christian girl? 

 Let's keep in mind that it was precisely JoJo and Becca whom Ben passed over in order to take Jubilee out for the solo date. Jealousy, ladies and gentleman. It's an ugly thing. 

 Jubilee not only has a sense of humor but proves that she knows how to take care of her man. She offers Ben a private massage to alleviate some of his stress. Get it, girl! Ben is highly appreciative of the gesture as massages are his favorite thing. 

 JoJo and Becca are told by producers to scope out the scene. The two are not pleased. "I'm going to lose my mind!" says JoJo. "She's like rubbing his body! Why am I seeing this?" If I'm not mistaken, the girl works as an assistant to a chiropractor. This isn't exactly uncharted territory for Becca.

 As Lace and the other plastics hear about the rub down, tempers begin to flare. "She doesn't need more time! She already has a rose," says Lace. These women just don't get the name of the game. 

 Beige Jami decides to break up the massage just before it has time to reach a happy ending. The awko-taco award is now bestowed back to you, lady. This is probably the worst-timed move I've ever seen on the show. Not exactly something you want to do to a guy in order to win him over. A red rose in exchange for blue balls? Not in this universe. 

 Leah tries to get Jubilee to give her some info on the massage. Jubilee simply says that Ben likes massages, so she had the forethought to provide her services. Leah feigns acceptance, "That's cool. Was it like a quick 1-2-3?" No, Leah. It was not a quickie. It was long and slow. 

 Amber, feeling overly confident from the random rose she got on the group date, decides to get more attention and subsequent screen time. Amber attempts to create drama out of her jealousy over the Jubilee situation. Amber's attempt to engage Jubilee in a gang-up intervention is embarrassingly pathetic. Jubilee is a grown ass woman and wants no parts of her immaturity. "I don't know what you guys are doing but it ain't cute!"

  JoJo follows Jubilee upstairs. Poor Jubilee can't get away from the plastics. "It's me. It's okay." Pretty sure you're one of the last people that is on the o-k cleared list, JoJo. What a bold move to attempt to manipulate someone who is clearly far more intelligent. Jubilee is having none of this. "Leave me the fuck alone!" Exactly.

 The other women who are downstairs are complaining that Ben went to break the situation up which means Jubilee will get more time with him. One of the twins points out that he shouldn't have to be dealing with this drama. Well, then perhaps the women in the house shouldn't have orchestrated it. Amber is mad at the "stupid situation" because she already has a rose and should be happy. Maybe she shouldn't have self-destructed and caused her own misery out of jealousy. It tends to blow up in your face, doesn't it? These women have no idea how idiotic they are coming across to America.

 Amber decides to interrupt Ben's consolation of Jubilee. She thinks that this will make her look like a peacekeeper in front of Ben but our bachelor is wiser than he lets on. It's obvious that the woman in tears (Jubilee) is the victim in the situation. The manipulation ain't happening with Ben. He knows what's up. I wish that he would retract Amber's rose and give it to anyone else. Ben puts Amber in her place by telling her that he likes Jubilee's sense of humor and it's too bad that the other women in the house don't understand her jokes. It's written all over Amber's face that this week will likely be her last. Please let this week be her last.

 Just when Ben thinks the drama is over, Lace pulls him aside. Much to his relief (and Bachelor Nation's dismay), Lace has decided to go home because she didn't want to be dumped on national television. Through tears, she tells Ben that she has a lot of work to do on herself and "like her tattoo says" she has to learn to love herself before she can love anyone else. Yes, she really admitted to having that tattooed on her body. Someone must have read one too many misattributed Marilyn Monroe quotes on Pinterest. 

  In the end, Ben delivers roses to the following women: Lauren H. (Midwestern teacher), Amanda (the Mom), Becca (virginal bitch), Haley (twin), Emily (twin), Rachel (injured reserve), Caila (sweet and salty), JoJo (manipulative bitch), Jennifer (the sexy one who kisses Ben and stays out of the drama), Leah (part of the plastics but yet to be defined) and lastly, Olivia. 

 It was jarring for O-Face to go from getting roses before the ceremonies even begin to being the last woman called. A sane person might question their moves- Was I wrong to mention my cankles immediately after he told me his friends died? But not our Olivia. "I know when I'm with him, I'm with my future husband. He just saved the best for last!" 

 If Olivia doesn't marry Ben, whomever does is going to have a blast replaying that snippet many years down the road. "Ben, honey, remember that crazy chick who was convinced you were going to marry her after dating for 2 hours?" 

 If Olivia does marry Ben (doubtful at this point but who the hell knows), then maybe she's a mad genius. And those are actually my favorite types of people.

 And this week's rejects: Shushanna (the illegal alien) & Jami (the beige blue-baller).

 Next week, the group leaves the mansion for Las Vegas! Stay tuned for bachelorette show girls having anxiety attacks (spoiler alert: it's O-Face!), virgins taking on Sin City and so much more!